it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
