We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
