I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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