You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
