i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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