you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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