Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
