Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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