and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I will die if light touches me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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