I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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