So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I checked into jail on foursquare
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
