well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
