I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
