a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
