I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
