There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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