She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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