Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
