i just had sex bonerless
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
