Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
