I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
