wanna go halves on a baby?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My Sexting was not on an AP level
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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