she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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