i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
