idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
