Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
