And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
