dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
