Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
