Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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