we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
