in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You are the jesus of drinking
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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