You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
