why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Found your dick twin last night
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I could fuck to npr.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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