you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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