If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
