remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
