my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
did i just pee glitter
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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