I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
