So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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