Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
