i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
