seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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