i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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