I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
