god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
