I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
