I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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