I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She said her name was "party"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
