i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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