My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
